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Ditching Languge That Invokes Shame
© Beverley Paine, 2005 I made all the usual 'mistakes' as a parent and knew nothing about attachment parenting, or non-coersive parenting and only came across TCC when my eldest was nearly 5 and I was pregnant with my third child... The kids turned out all right though and I thoroughly recommend regularly apologising to your kids and explaining your ignorance and learning process as you go along! I ditched notions of 'good' and 'bad' altogether and adopted the more sensible approach of considering behaviour and situations as 'appropriate' and 'not appropriate'. I hate the value/moral judgement that comes from using 'good' and 'bad'. I think John Holt once wrote about the uselessness of the word 'good' - just exactly what does it mean? Try defining it... it depends heavily on context, which means that people have to more or less guess what you're getting at. Those two words seem to invoke shame more than any other words in our language! I'm not a fan of shame. 'Appropriate' tends to look at behaviour in a matter of fact way - does this behaviour achieve the desired results? Then we start looking at motivation and goals, and actions in the light of what we need and want, from ourselves, the situation and others. It dampens the emotion by applying rational thought - action instead of reaction. I even stopped using the terms 'negative' and 'positive', which were buzz words when my childrne were young, and started using 'constructive' and 'destructive' as these words clearly conveyed exactly what I wanted. An action or behaviour is very clearly constructive - it builds - or destructive, or destroys. This could be building friendship, community, happy feelings, desired outcomes, anything that will help us reach our eventual goals; or destroying friendship, producing unhappy or hurt feelings, breaking belongings, moving us further from our goals... It took a lot of reprogramming for me to change my inner and outer dialogue but the more I persisted in changing the language I used the quicker my behaviour and attitudes changed. I was patient with myself. I see life as a learning journey full of 'learning opportunities' - something I used to call 'mistakes'! Learning is about having a go, making approximations, slowly adjusting our actions to gradually produce the desired outcome. Somewhere along the line this process became fixated on getting it 'right' (whatever that means!) the first time. We were then made to feel ashamed for not learning in a fast and furious manner, or for not being 'perfect' (whatever that means!). I blame school, of course! But blaming isn't an appropriate (in this case useful or constructive) action... As a homeschooling parent you have the opportunity to create a positive and constructive atmosphere in your 'classroom' every day of the year. You can chose to not have 'mistakes' and call them 'learning opportunities' instead. You can do away with the need to 'correct' and 'guide' instead. 'Incorrect' becomes 'an estimation' or 'try'. Copying and guessing are allowed as legitimate learning tools. Changing the way we use language and tweaking our attitudes as teachers can eliminate most of the shame, embarrassment and hence fear from learning. |
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Please note: |
and support person Beverley no longer
takes phone call or email inquiries.
Please join one of her yahoo groups
if you want to know more about
homeschooling or have a question.
Beverley supports:
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Annual National |
Home Education Association
AussieHomeschool
Rockpool Homeschool
Joyous Learning
Life Learning Magazine
Parent at the Helm
books, ebooks and booklets by Beverley!
Interested in homeschooling, but still not sure? Read All You Need Is...'
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Home Education Directory
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Browse the Article Library.
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Including...
Always Learning Books
Downunder Literature
Spiral Garden
Australian History Pictures
Home education is a legal alternative
to
school education in Australia.
State and Territory
governments
are responsible for regulating
home
education. Different states have different
requirements, however home educating
families are able to develop curriculum
and learning programs to suit the
individual
needs of their children.
For more information visit the
Home Education Association
Thank you for visiting!
Pioneering members of the home education movement in Australia, Beverley and Robin Paine are passionate advocates of true educational choice for families. They began homeschooling their children in 1986 and three years later started the South Australian Home Based Learners network.
Beverley wrote Getting Started with Homeschooling in 1995-97 and since then continues to write books and booklets on home education. She balances spending time helping home educators with working in her garden and renovating her home, as well as continuing to build her collection of writing on a variety of homeschooling subjects. Beverley maintains an extensive collection of websites as well as several Yahoo groups supporting families teaching their children at home.
In 2007 Beverley joined the HEA and became a committee member in 2008: she also edits and produce the HEA Newsletter, HEA magazine, Stepping Stones for Home Educators, annual Resource Directory and other HEA publications.
If you'd like to keep in touch with what Beverley is up to her in her life, sign up for the Homeschool Australia Newsletter or visit her Homeschool AustraliaFacebook page.